Sowing Circle

The Chronicles of Mark #2

2007-02-18T01:09:00.000-08:00

This one's for Jobles.

This Christmas season, while I was at the shop fixing my new car, I informed Mark that my best friend had a new girlfriend.
"Really?" said Mark, "Is she fat?"
I laughed.
"Yeah, she kinda is." was my response.
"That's good, a fat woman will know how to cook. And I bet she's got big titties too." said Mark.
"Yeah, she does." said I.

Later it turned out that the girl was crazy, but let it be known that Mark knew she'd be fat.
suck on that you crazy broad.

The Chronicles of Mark: Part 1

2006-10-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

Mark was born a poor white child on the wrong side of the tracks that run along Charles Page Blvd. from Sand Springs to Tulsa. That's really all I know about his childhood.
I am not going to tell Mark stories in chronological order, instead they will be sorted roughly by how interesting or funny they are. There may be considerable ammounts of profanity in these stories. Here's a quick one:

One afternoon at the shop, Mark was strolling around in the garage with a freshly purchased loaf of white bread. I inquired as to what he was doing and he simply replied "Shut up, Paul." I continued working on the task at hand, replacing the brake pads on a customers GMC Sierra. Mark stood behind me supervising my work. Mark opened the loaf of bread and ate several slices dry. Many crumbs dropped onto the floor behind me and I confronted Mark saying "Hey, I got to sweep up that mess, mother fucker." Mark kicked a broom towards me and told me to start sweeping. "I'll finish them brakes, you sweep this shit up." I stood, taking the broom and handing the brake wrench to Mark. He shook his head, refusing the wrench. "Watch this," he said, "This is how a man fixes brakes." As I watched, Mark took four slices of bread and wadded them up into a doughy lump. He then shoved the bread into the break caliper. "There, now they got those new low noise bread-pads." He laughed. "What the fuck man?" I inquired, "Now I got to clean that shit up too." "Yeah you do." he replied. He then laughed and walked away muttering softly to himself.

Coming soon...

2006-10-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna start writing the chronicles of Mark, get ready world...

Things I Know About: Blood Pressure

2006-04-29T17:35:00.000-07:00

After extensive testing, I have determined that my blood pressure is some huge number over some slightly smaller number. This, as you may know, is quite high. It is, no doubt, due to the stress that I am under with finals upcoming and the constant nay-saying of my professors. They can all bite my ass. I'm gonna make sweet love to all my finals, making them my bitches and completely ruling them. Then I will turn in my test, panting and struggling to walk upright, and prepare myself for the next. I will be severly dehydrated at the end of the day, after putting forth so much effort and bodily fluids into the dominance of my finals. This will not stop me from urinating on the office doors of some of my least favorite professors. At the end of the week, I will have evacuated my shit from my room and will have replaced it with the shit I evacuate from my bowels. Then it is off to home, to live my life in a persistent vegatative state until the working world calls me. I have no doubt in my mind that the working world will fuck me as thoroughly as I fuck my finals. In order to prepare myself for such a raping, I will use the funds I aquire from work to purchase astroglide and rum. If you happen to see me during the summer, I ask that you please bring me some ice for my sore asshole. Good luck to you all...

oh yeah, i still can't stop thinking about her and it hurts more than ever

Things I Know About: Headaches

2006-04-26T23:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not getting anything done. It's 1:30 in the a.m. and I'm just coasting on the day's momentum. I'm listening to Blues Traveler and thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her and more importantly I don't want to stop. I've got too much on my plate and I'm not allowed to eat any of it. The most wonderful thing a girl can do for me is acting interested, and she does that with gusto. My brain is playing tricks on me, but he calls the shots so i've got to let him. "Play your tricks", I say, "Just don't stop thinking about her." I haven't had a good night's sleep since spring break but i've managed to take care of myself. I'm surviving on hope alone and it's starting to get stale. I'm about to call it quits and tell her how I feel. I'll be ruined if I ruin this. So, Jobey, I'll take a paeg from your blog and have the first ever Ellis poll: Should I tell her and risk a friendship?
I know John will get around to reading this at some point, so when you do, please vote, it's your civic duty. Carly, if you haven't gotten bored and stopped reading our blogs, pitch in your two cents.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

Things I Know About: not feeling well

2006-04-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

I don't feel so hot. I'm kinda sick. I know that it looks bad for a doctor to be sick, but hey, I gotta look out for my clients first. It's a universal rule, just like all phsychiatrists have issues and no mechanic has a working car...

Things I Know About: Being 20

2006-04-13T20:56:00.000-07:00

I have less than 48 hours left as a 2o year old. As a whole, this has been the worst year of my life. It started out pretty good, I got straight A's for the first time in my life in the spring of '05 but when summer came, it brought hell with it. I had the same job I had the previous summer, working as a mechanic in shitville, I mean Skiatook. For whatever reason, my boss decided to make it the summer of the douche and not pay me. I started the summer with 800$ in my bank account and ended it with 50. I went back to school in the fall and was doing good. Then one day I woke up and started pissing blood. Long story short, kidney stone. As a result of that little piece of hell, I failed a couple of classes cause i spent most of my time floating around on painkillers and chugging water. So then I had to make up some classes this spring. I learned that the reason microorganisms are so small is because they are boring and not even a little interesting and God hates them. I broke up with my girlfriend of over three years but that's actually been a good thing. My car has been constantly on the fritz and as a mechanic, I have to fix it my damn self. I moved into a (tiny) new house at 2nd ad Harvard and I have to share a room with my sister. That's pretty damn lame. One good thing is that this is the first year in quite a while that I have not broken any bones. I'm sure there's more, but I'm done for now.

Thngs I Know About: Carly Wassom

2006-04-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

She's damn good looking.

Things I Know About: What I Want

2006-04-12T14:47:00.000-07:00

I want to play catch, with a ball or a frisbee. I want my Dad's beef jerkey. I want to deul in the sand. I want the fence. I want to skate around MY neighborhood. I want a sword. I want to take a long walk. I want to talk. I want to sit in the grass and look for four leaf clovers. I want to play golf. I want to go bowling. I want to hold hands. I want to sit on the couch and watch a movie with my arm around a girl. I want to smoke my pipe. I want a Moto Guzzi. I want...

Things I Know About: Shameless Self-Promotion

2006-03-20T22:11:00.000-08:00

Have you been injured in a car crash? Have you fallen and not been able to get up? Have you had an erection that has lasted over 4 hours?
If you answered "YES!" to any of these questions, contact me, Dr. Paul Ellis. I can help. Seriously, contact me. I need more clients. Don't get me wrong, the clients I have are great, but how am I supposed to impress this chick if I only have like half a dozen clients? It just doesn't work, "Hey baby, I'm a doctor. I have a very small... client base." That dog won't hunt. I need to be able to say I have a HUGE clientele and it's getting bigger all the time. That's what will help me get the girl.

p.s. If that car crash was someone else's fault, or you fell on someone else's property and you need legal advice, contact John Nobles, Attorney at Large. John is my attorney and one of my most loyal clients. So contact John Nobles because I don't give a shit how you get hurt, but he does.

p.p.s. I don't need Mr. Nobles for any malpractice cases or anything like that, I'm really good at being a doctor. In fact, Mr. Nobles can not be harmed by any known virus or bacteria thanks to my medical care.

Things I Know About: Shameless Self-Promotion

2006-03-20T07:12:00.000-08:00

Have you been injured in a car crash? Have you fallen, without being able to get up? Have you had an erection that lasted for more than four hours? If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, you should contact me, Dr. Paul. I can help. The thing is, my client base isn't growing as fast as I would like. Don't get me wrong, I value each of my very loyal clients and I will still be able to give them the individual attention that I am famous for, but I need some money. I'm trying to impress this chick and it just doesn't work saying, "Yeah baby, I'm a doctor. I just don't have many clients" So call me if you need a personal physician.

p.s. if you were hit by a drunk driver, or fell on someone elses property, you should contact John Nobles, attorney at law. He's not only my attorney, he's my patient.
p.p.s. Mr. Nobles can not be killed by any known virus or bacteria due to my medical advise.

Things I Know About: Loose Change

2006-03-09T22:52:00.000-08:00

Ok, I watched it. I accept that the damage to the Pentagon was not caused by a jumbo jet and that the wreckage of flight 77 dosen't look like an airplane crash. Those are both major problems in the 9/11 reports. This is a slap in the face to anyone who has eyes to think that a jumbo jet could completely disintegrate into nothing when it lands in a feild.
What I don't accept is the theories about the twin towers being brought down by explosives pre-planted by demolition companies. My biggest complaint is that the narrator states that a B-52 struck the empire state building in july of 1945 when the B-52 wasn't deployed until feb. of 1955. It was a B-25, a much smaller plane than the 8 engine B-52. So saying that a B-52 can strike the Empire State Building and not cause it to topple is bullshit, a B-25 is small enough to take off from an aircraft carrier, it was what Dolittle flew on his raid of Japan in WWII. Next, about the 'explosions' seen on the sides of the tower as it was collapsing: the falling material of the building created a pressure wave that thrust downward through the building and, sad as it is, that pressure wave was able to escape the building through windows weakened or broken by people jumping out of them to their deaths. The collapse of the twin towers had no resemblance to a controlled implosion. All of the evidence of other building that had fires and didn't collapse are null because none of the other buildings were struck by planes and none of the other buildings were 100+ stories or supported the immense weight supported by the twin towers. I found nearly everything in the documentary about the World Trade Center to be weak at best. All of the other evidence about 9/11 I found disturbing and/or confusing. I think that the creator of this documentary could remove all of the World Trade Center arguments and still have a powerful documentary about the actual happenings of that day.

Things I Know About: Chain Gangs

2006-03-03T07:28:00.000-08:00

Read this now and regret it later...

This is a true story, it happened to a couple of friends of mine!!. If you do not copy this and send it to everyone in your address book you will be horribly maimed by an Albanian Lekqz. My friends were driving on an old deserted road when the car broke down and the guy got out and the escaped lunatic killed him with a sewer aligator that he found while searching for a cactus full of spiders in your backseat next to the guy in your backseat that is why the car behind you was flashing its brights and following you in the rain even though you were driving fast and hit that old wharf worker and didn't tell anyone about it and THE HOOK WAS HANGING FROM THE DOOR...

Just because I send a chain letter, does that mean that it has any power? Wait, this is supposed to be things I know, not questions I ask, so I'll tell you, It only has power over the weak and stupid. I bet that some cave paintings translate into "If you don't copy this buffalo and draw it on 7 other walls, your son thag will get crushed by a wheel..." Chain letters and mass-brainless communications have been around for ages and will not stop until people stop being stupid.

The newest manifestation of these appear in the form of text messages, emails, and blog posts. If I ever see one intended for me, I will flay the person who sent it. No exceptions.

Things I Know About: Fickle Society

2006-02-16T11:34:00.000-08:00

It seems that the popular thing to do nowadays is to dislike Winter and anything associated with it. During the NHL strike, the running joke in the media and among amateur comedians was "No hockey this year, who cares". I have also heard countless people on campus say that they don't like the winter olympics. I'm sick of feeling like the black sheep because I like hockey and I like winter. The reason this falls under the title 'Fickle Society' is that the same people who hate winter are trying the hardest to stop "global warming". You'd think that they would be welcoming the greenhouse effect with open arms. the entire global warming debate is a shit-pile of misinformation and oppinion. It's the same thing with most of the pharmaceutical class action suits being filed. A reporter will get a hold of a report, read and select the most newsworthy parts, and report. Everyone develops their own oppinion on the topic and that oppinion will change with the changing tide of public acceptance. Keep in mind that scientists check for past CO2 levels by checking ice cores, since levels have been increasing, it is plain to sea that the oceans are not saturated with CO2 meaning there is room to absorb more. The Earth has a way of balancing everything out, it's the Sun that causes ice ages and such.
One last point, when the tsunami struck in '04, Americans couldn't donate money fast enough. It became the new cool thing to do. Come summer time, people slacked off and figured the region could fix itself with all the money they donated. Last summer when the hurricanes hit Louisiana, Americans couldn't wait to help out. For about two weeks. Then came the finger pointing. People blamed FEMA and the Bush administration not just for failure to react, but for the failures of the levees themselves. People never even noticed that all of the news footage of people trapped on rooftops was shot by news helicopters. Hundreds of local stations sent their choppers to shoot the devestation of New Orleans. As far as I know, no one sent a news helicopter to help with the rescue or relief effort. When there is a giant forrest fire, stations all across the country donate men and machines to help in the fight. If news stations want to wear the hat of community service, then sometimes they must sacrafice a story to help people.

Things I Know About: Frats

2006-02-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

Alright, here's the deal, if I went to Harvard, or some other Ivy League school, I would do whatever it took to join a fraternity. I understand that in that situation, the benefits of being in a fraternity outweigh the inherent bullshit of fraternaties. The connections made in such an environment are very valuable. However, being that I go to a state school, a small one at that, I realize that the bullshit factor is the only factor of frats. Since I am not a person given to predjudice, I have taken the time to examine my feelings towards frat guys. I have concluded that:
1. If I get to know a person before they join a frat, I will likely remain friends with them.
2. If I meet someone who introduces themselves as a frat member, I will not be inclined to like them.
3. If someone considers their fraternity membership to be such an integral part of their personallity that they introduce themselves as a "greek-letter, greek-letter" I don't like them.
4. Their are two types of frat guys,
a. The guys who want to be in a frat
b. The guys frats want to have in their frat.
Type 'b' are usually ok guys.

That's all for now.

Girl Stuff

2006-02-05T01:12:00.000-08:00

I never want to see another commercial for a tampon or a maxi pad. They disgust me. Women have no shame. If men bled out of their weiners, we would deal with it on an individual basis and never speak of it to any other man, even their own sons. That's the way it should be.
Goodnight.

Things I Know About: Bullshit

2006-01-12T22:48:00.000-08:00

~all these things are bullshit to some degree~
When someone steals cable, everyone pays.
People have the right to call me on my cell phone to sell me things.
I have the right to shoot tresspassers.
The 2nd ammendment gives me the right to buy a machine gun.
Hyenas are noble creatures, not just walking shit-bags.
You can never have too much scrapbooking.
VH1's 'I love the 80's'.
All shows on MTv.
Daytime TV.
The KKK.
Communist China.
North Korea's crazy ass.
Farm subsidies.
Reaganomics.
Scientology.
Heat stroke.
The big toe on my left foot.
My car's climate control not working.
Spyware, viruses, worms, and all that other hacker crap.
Pro wrestling and fans of it.
Foreign policy towards Cuba.
Global warming.
And much, much more.

Things I Know About: Getting Hurt

2006-01-11T23:46:00.000-08:00

When I was little, I fell off a cabinet and broke my wrist. That was my first broken bone. It was misdiagnosed by the doctors because at that age, they don't ask you if it hurts to move your wrist, they just ask you to move it and if you say no and start crying, they know it hurts. I was then and am now a good boy, so when the doctor told me to move my wrist I did. I went about a week after I broke it without any treatment.
In first grade, my leg slipped down a storm drain cover at the zoo and cut my hip wide open. Laura Foshee's mom squeezed an entire tube of Neosporen into the cut and covered it in Kleenex. I got to ride on one of the zoo golf carts and I thought that was cool. When I got to the emergency center, I offered to let the doctor look at my anatomy books so he could know what he was doing. He politely declined. I was awake and alert for the whole cleaning/stitching process. What was then a 4 inch scar is now about 7 inches because I have grown.
On the last day of 9th grade, I did a very stupid thing. It resulted in me breaking my left radius and shattering the cap of my ulna. I didn't pass out. I also didn't know I had grass in my front teeth. I tried to talk my mom into stopping at Wendy's on the way to the ER because I was hungry. She said no. During the surgery to set the bones, I vomited and they had to tube me. Or so they told me when I woke up.
A similar event occured on the first day of summer band my junior year. The resulted in a broken right wrist, a cut on my chin, and an interior nose fracture that has robbed me of most of my sense of smell. I don't miss my smell that much. Because of the scar on my chin, I have about 4 whiskers that grow in silver instead of red like the rest of my facial hair. I love that.
At least two times I have broken my right foot. Neither time did I go to a doctor.
On one occasion, I fell down a shaft and landed on a flight of concrete stairs. I didn't fall down the stairs, I fell about 8 feet and landed on the stairs. My head hit a bag of cans for recycling and saved my life. I broke three ribs, cut open my hip, banged up my right knee and shin, and whacked my right elbow. Afterwords, I rode with my mom to a park so she could listen to our local representative give a speech. I waited in the car until the pain was too much and then I told her I needed to go to the hospital. I had to wait for about 2 hours in the ER until a doctor would see me. I waited quietly because the people who went before me were an old man having chest pains and a little girl with a hurt arm. The doctor was shocked when I showed her my cut and bloody hip and bruised ribs. So was my mom. So was I.
I had my wisdom teeth taken out while I was awake. Once, my dentist dislocated my jaw and had to punch it back in. My favorite feature came about when my dentist slipped while trying to pry out my wisdom tooth and the tool cut my cheek from my lips to the very edge of my jaw. I wouldn't trade my scar for anything.

This is why I am a doctor.
This is why I am magic.
Because I am not dead.

Things I Know About: Myself

2006-01-10T00:24:00.000-08:00

This is the first in what should be a weekly column exposing my knowledge of various topics. I thought it would be fitting to begin with myself.

1. I'm about 5'9"
2. I weigh around 165
3. If left to my own devices, I will live in filth of my own creation and do nothing to better myself.
4. That's why I don't like to be alone too much.
5. I get by with a little help from my friends.
6. I'm a genius.
7. I haven't changed my writing style since 8th grade.
8. It's just that good.
9. I have an obsession with swords and all things sword related.
10. I really like hockey.
11. I can skate really fast.
12. I mean like crazy fast.
13. I don't like country music.
14. I don't like pro wrestling.
15. I want a motorcycle.
16. I don't want to die on a motorcycle.
17. I don't have a motorcycle.
18. I am most proud of the things I don't often talk about.
19. I don't want to sound cocky.
20. If I have no one to talk to I won't say a word.
21. Often I won't say a word when I do have someone to talk to.
22. I'm magic.
23. I am wise beyond my years.
24. I learn from the mistakes of others.
25. I learn from my mistakes.
26. Red hair turns me on.
27. So do plenty of other things, so don't feel bad if you don't have red hair.
28. My facial hair looks like copper wire.
29. The scar on my chin is my favorite facial feature.
30. My eyes glow when I am truly angry.
31. Few people have ever seen them glow.
32. I have.
33. I know lots of stuff about myself.