The Chronicles of Mark #2

This one's for Jobles.

This Christmas season, while I was at the shop fixing my new car, I informed Mark that my best friend had a new girlfriend.
"Really?" said Mark, "Is she fat?"
I laughed.
"Yeah, she kinda is." was my response.
"That's good, a fat woman will know how to cook. And I bet she's got big titties too." said Mark.
"Yeah, she does." said I.

Later it turned out that the girl was crazy, but let it be known that Mark knew she'd be fat.
suck on that you crazy broad.

The Chronicles of Mark: Part 1

Mark was born a poor white child on the wrong side of the tracks that run along Charles Page Blvd. from Sand Springs to Tulsa. That's really all I know about his childhood.
I am not going to tell Mark stories in chronological order, instead they will be sorted roughly by how interesting or funny they are. There may be considerable ammounts of profanity in these stories. Here's a quick one:

One afternoon at the shop, Mark was strolling around in the garage with a freshly purchased loaf of white bread. I inquired as to what he was doing and he simply replied "Shut up, Paul." I continued working on the task at hand, replacing the brake pads on a customers GMC Sierra. Mark stood behind me supervising my work. Mark opened the loaf of bread and ate several slices dry. Many crumbs dropped onto the floor behind me and I confronted Mark saying "Hey, I got to sweep up that mess, mother fucker." Mark kicked a broom towards me and told me to start sweeping. "I'll finish them brakes, you sweep this shit up." I stood, taking the broom and handing the brake wrench to Mark. He shook his head, refusing the wrench. "Watch this," he said, "This is how a man fixes brakes." As I watched, Mark took four slices of bread and wadded them up into a doughy lump. He then shoved the bread into the break caliper. "There, now they got those new low noise bread-pads." He laughed. "What the fuck man?" I inquired, "Now I got to clean that shit up too." "Yeah you do." he replied. He then laughed and walked away muttering softly to himself.

Coming soon...

I'm gonna start writing the chronicles of Mark, get ready world...

Things I Know About: Blood Pressure

After extensive testing, I have determined that my blood pressure is some huge number over some slightly smaller number. This, as you may know, is quite high. It is, no doubt, due to the stress that I am under with finals upcoming and the constant nay-saying of my professors. They can all bite my ass. I'm gonna make sweet love to all my finals, making them my bitches and completely ruling them. Then I will turn in my test, panting and struggling to walk upright, and prepare myself for the next. I will be severly dehydrated at the end of the day, after putting forth so much effort and bodily fluids into the dominance of my finals. This will not stop me from urinating on the office doors of some of my least favorite professors. At the end of the week, I will have evacuated my shit from my room and will have replaced it with the shit I evacuate from my bowels. Then it is off to home, to live my life in a persistent vegatative state until the working world calls me. I have no doubt in my mind that the working world will fuck me as thoroughly as I fuck my finals. In order to prepare myself for such a raping, I will use the funds I aquire from work to purchase astroglide and rum. If you happen to see me during the summer, I ask that you please bring me some ice for my sore asshole. Good luck to you all...


oh yeah, i still can't stop thinking about her and it hurts more than ever

Things I Know About: Headaches

I'm not getting anything done. It's 1:30 in the a.m. and I'm just coasting on the day's momentum. I'm listening to Blues Traveler and thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her and more importantly I don't want to stop. I've got too much on my plate and I'm not allowed to eat any of it. The most wonderful thing a girl can do for me is acting interested, and she does that with gusto. My brain is playing tricks on me, but he calls the shots so i've got to let him. "Play your tricks", I say, "Just don't stop thinking about her." I haven't had a good night's sleep since spring break but i've managed to take care of myself. I'm surviving on hope alone and it's starting to get stale. I'm about to call it quits and tell her how I feel. I'll be ruined if I ruin this. So, Jobey, I'll take a paeg from your blog and have the first ever Ellis poll: Should I tell her and risk a friendship?
I know John will get around to reading this at some point, so when you do, please vote, it's your civic duty. Carly, if you haven't gotten bored and stopped reading our blogs, pitch in your two cents.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

Things I Know About: not feeling well

I don't feel so hot. I'm kinda sick. I know that it looks bad for a doctor to be sick, but hey, I gotta look out for my clients first. It's a universal rule, just like all phsychiatrists have issues and no mechanic has a working car...

Things I Know About: Being 20

I have less than 48 hours left as a 2o year old. As a whole, this has been the worst year of my life. It started out pretty good, I got straight A's for the first time in my life in the spring of '05 but when summer came, it brought hell with it. I had the same job I had the previous summer, working as a mechanic in shitville, I mean Skiatook. For whatever reason, my boss decided to make it the summer of the douche and not pay me. I started the summer with 800$ in my bank account and ended it with 50. I went back to school in the fall and was doing good. Then one day I woke up and started pissing blood. Long story short, kidney stone. As a result of that little piece of hell, I failed a couple of classes cause i spent most of my time floating around on painkillers and chugging water. So then I had to make up some classes this spring. I learned that the reason microorganisms are so small is because they are boring and not even a little interesting and God hates them. I broke up with my girlfriend of over three years but that's actually been a good thing. My car has been constantly on the fritz and as a mechanic, I have to fix it my damn self. I moved into a (tiny) new house at 2nd ad Harvard and I have to share a room with my sister. That's pretty damn lame. One good thing is that this is the first year in quite a while that I have not broken any bones. I'm sure there's more, but I'm done for now.

Thngs I Know About: Carly Wassom

She's damn good looking.

Things I Know About: What I Want

I want to play catch, with a ball or a frisbee. I want my Dad's beef jerkey. I want to deul in the sand. I want the fence. I want to skate around MY neighborhood. I want a sword. I want to take a long walk. I want to talk. I want to sit in the grass and look for four leaf clovers. I want to play golf. I want to go bowling. I want to hold hands. I want to sit on the couch and watch a movie with my arm around a girl. I want to smoke my pipe. I want a Moto Guzzi. I want...